Life...

Boy oh boy- some people just don't keep up with their blogs, huh? Slackers...

Um...

Anyway, I spent the day at Epcot last Wednesday as a chaperone for my son's science class. Got to take a few pictures. If you're interested->

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I've been having a rough week or so, and the last 3 days have been particularly difficult. I've been reading Waking the Dead and some of the difficulty has come from what I've been learning, but not all.

I sent out a prayer request this morning to some friends- I knew I needed some support. And after that God gave me a big wallop of insight, that I suppose in retrospect should have been more obvious. The first anniversary of my father's death is approaching- March 30th. I was reading a bit of Waking the Dead, and God gently pointed out that that was at least part of what I was reacting to. I talked to my wife a bit and she reminded me that this coming week was also the worst of the process of watching him die- and then I talked to my sister awhile, and that helped a lot.

After my mom died, a year ago January, my dad decided he didn't need to live any longer and decided to quit taking all his medication (heart & diabetes) and stopped eating any solid food. He pretty much confined himself to his bed. Over the next 10 weeks he lived on Sprite. We (my wife, sister, & brother-in-law) spent as much time with him as we could, and watched him deteriorate. In the last few days he was sleeping more than he was awake. He would be asleep and stop breathing for as much as 45 seconds. And when he started breathing again we realized we had been holding our breath, waiting for him to breathe.

He got to the point where he couldn't talk any more, and then slipped into a coma. Shortly after that he died, early on a Sunday morning.

Grief is an amazing thing. Everybody's is unique, I suppose. I think I did most of my grieving for my mom at her funeral- and I don't think she's had the lasting impact my father has. I was mad at him when he died- I agreed to let him go the way he chose (not sure I had a choice there) but I was really pissed during and afterwards. I think he wasted the end of his life. I think he was very selfish and self-centered in what he did. I think it reflected a lot of his life. I also think that he didn't have a clue about what he was doing.

I think if anyone had ever told him that he was being selfish, or causing his children anguish, he would have been very surprised and hurt himself. He loved us as much as he knew how. I know some of his background, the way he grew up, and it was very hard, tragic in some ways. I know God blessed me a great deal through my father, and that he gave as much of himself as he knew how and was able.

There has been a lot of healing, but there is more needed I'm sure, since we get so much of our concept of God from our earthly fathers- even the best of them are flawed. Thank God, He wants us to know the truth.

Another thing that God has been working on in me this week is being open. I have had some sin in the past that had me in bondage- it was stuff that caused me shame, and in my pride I thought I could handle it on my own. Those, of course, are some of the greatest lies satan can get us to fall for. But God has been putting a hunger in me for deeper relationships with other brothers & sisters in the Lord, and is drawing me into a fellowship with a small group at church. I'm really excited about it, as He put that desire in me & is now fulfilling it. They are a tremendous source of encouragement & strength.

Thanks for the prod, Reid-